Had a little extra time...

So, it's now 3:20 a.m. I'm planning on heading to bed at 4, and waking up at 12. That will give me 2 & 1/2 hours to get around before heading up to my parents. Nothing went as planned today, but I survived. The house didn't exactly get cleaned as well as I would have liked. I ended up just barely having enough time to straighten up a few things, wipe down the bathroom, do a few dishes, and that's about all. Chris is responsible for getting the rest clean before Thanksgiving. We'll see how that goes. Anyways. I did get everything packed, and we went and got Chris some food. Something happened that we didn't plan though. Our toilet broke and started leaking all over the floor! We had to shut the water off and go to Home Depot to get the parts we needed. This was after water shot up in my face. lol It was straight out of a movie, I swear! I was messing around trying to get a part inside the tank fixed. No, I didn't turn the water off before! lol And the part that the water runs through popped off and water shot up and got me right between the eyes. LMAO! I'm glad Chris didn't see! He would have made fun of me so bad. We did get it fixed though. We also ended up having to run over to Chris' mom's house unexpectedly to take her something she needed. Well, I have about 30 more minutes before heading to bed. I think I'll go eat a little snack. I'll be back in a week!

Lots to do...

I'm so excited! Only 2 more days before we leave for Michigan! I just have to get through 5 and a half hours of work tonight, and then I'll be free for 10 days!!! I'm a little nervous about the drive up. We're not used to snow and ice down here in Texas, and with that being the reason my brother's wreck happened, we're all a little nervous. Anyways. I thought I'd go ahead and write in this now because I don't know if I'll have time to get on the computer much until I get back. We have so much to do tomorrow and Thursday before we leave. I have to finish straightening up the house, do laundry, and pack. We also have to go get Chris some groceries for while I'm gone. I'm gonna try to sleep pretty late Thursday so I won't be so tired since we aren't leaving until about 5:30 or so in the evening. We have to go get my check at 3:00 Thursday, then swing by and pick up Chris' sister, and then we'll head up to my parents house. Chris decided he didn't wanna have to drive 2 hours back by himself after we leave, so he invited his sis to go. I'll probably get a few snacks for the drive. I plan on putting all my new favorite songs on my mp3 player. The only thing that sucks is that I have this stupid cold! I hope it will go away soon. I've been sneezing like crazy the last 2 days. Oh yeah, we are definitely having Thanksgiving at our house with Chris' family. I told Chris he is responsible for keeping the house clean since I won't be home until the night before Thanksgiving. I'm glad I'm not the one that has to cook everything! And then after all the Thanksgiving stuff, hopefully I'll have time to put up the Christmas decorations. I'm gonna try for either Sat. or Sunday, but I don't know if I have to work those days, so I'll just have to wait and see. So, this will probably be my last blog until I return. When I get back, I'll hopefully have some pics to share.

What a day!

Ugh! What a day! I feel like poo! I have a sore throat, cough, and congestion in my chest. It was a long day at work. Not to mention AF showed. And I found out another co-worker is pregnant! She had been TTC with her BF of a couple months, who she left her girlfriend for, and then ended up going back to her GF only a day before finding out she was pregnant! WHAT!? Yet I can't have a baby!!! I also got to see an ex co-workers newborn baby girl. She was so precious! That's about the only good thing that happened today. It was also our dating anniversary, which we celebrated for 6 years before finally getting married and having a real anniversary, but Chris didn't remember! I even told him about a week ago that it was coming up and he still didn't remember. I didn't expect him to get me a present or anything, but he could have at least wrote me a sweet letter or gave me a card or something, you know? So, today has just not been a very good day all around. I'll probably go to bed here in a little while. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Life...

Hello blog, it's me again! I decided a few days ago that I wanted to start blogging more often, and since you can only talk about TTC so much, I figured I'd make this a blog about my whole life, actually our life, not just the TTC part of it. I worked on my blog layout for a few days, and even made the background image myself in photoshop! I'm very proud of it! I think it's pretty cool! So, I guess I'll just give a whole life update since it's been a few months, and then we'll just go from there, so where do I start?

Chris and I are doing great! Of course no marriage is perfect, but I couldn't ask for a better man to be married to! I feel very lucky to have someone who I truely enjoy spending time with and still miss whenever we're apart. Not to mention someone who my family adores! Sunday will be the 8 year anniversary of the day we met, which we always celebrated as our anniversary before we got married. We don't really have any plans to celebrate. I have to work. I'll make dinner and then we plan on watching the Christmas special on Comedy Central by Jeff Dunham. He is hillarious! My friend Chelsea from work got us hooked on him!

TTC is going, but not going at the same time. Chris isn't really the type of person to "plan" sex, so we pretty much just DTD whenever we want and hope that maybe we got lucky. Still don't think I'm ovulating though. I should know within the next week if we "got lucky" this month or not. Today is CD30 and I've been spotting all day, which is the norm for me around this time of the month, so I'm thinking AF will be here in a few days. I've been thinking about maybe getting some progesterone cream and using it to see if it might help jumpstart my body into O'ing. I've been doing some research on it the last couple days. I'm still trying to decide if I wanna do that or not. But we're pretty much at a stand still, until I decide to quit being lazy and find another Dr.

We've been spending lots of time with both our families lately. Well, not really LOTS of time with my family, but we've seen them a few more times than we usually do because of birthdays. Plus, I will get to spend a whole week with them starting next Thursday, although it's not really a good reason why.

We found out a few weeks ago that my Grandma has stage 4 terminal lung cancer. She lives in Michigan, so we're going to spend some time with her before she gets too sick. It might be the last time we get to see her, so I hope we will get to make some good memories. I haven't seen her in about 10 years, so I'm excited to see her, and the rest of my family members. We're driving up. It should take about a full day because we're driving straight through. There will be 5 of us going, so we're going to take turns driving. Chris isn't going though, so that will suck to be away from him for so long. I've got to make sure he has supplies aka food to last him while I'm gone. lol

On a side note. We just got through watching The Bucket List. Them showing what you go through when you have cancer, like the chemo, throwing up, etc. just made me so sad and scared. Sad that my Granny is/was going through all that right now. Scared to know that one day my parents, or even I might have to go through that. I guess since I'm getting older now, I'm getting scared about losing my parents more than anything. After almost losing my brother in March, the fear of losing anyone in my family has gotten so much worse. I can't imagine what it will be like when they are gone. I don't ever want them to have to go through something horrible like cancer! It's just so scarey to know that death is something that is going to happen whether we like it or not, and we have no choice as of when, where, how. I try not to think about it too much, and I hope it doesn't happen for a very long time!

Other than my Granny Esther, both our families are doing good. My brother is doing great! Planning on getting married pretty soon. All our nieces and nephews are getting so big! Zayne is such a big boy! He's in the process of potty training. The twins, Zarah and Zayden, just turned 1 on Nov. 2nd and they're starting to walk! Skylar has been learning how to write! We're getting to spend alot more time with Syndi, and she's talking so much more now. The other day Granny told us that Skylar told her that I was gonna have a little boy. lol She said that he would really be her cousin, but he'd be more like a brother to her. She's such a character. She talks like she's 25 instead of 5! lol

Work has been kinda bad lately. With the economy and everything, they cut our hours horribly! I only got 17 hours this week, and 19 hours this next week. I usually get about 30-35 hours per week, so it's a big cut! It's a good thing all I have to pay for is our groceries and gas for the cars! I don't know what we'd do if we had real bills! As it is, I don't know how we'll afford any Christmas presents. We'll work that out when it gets closer to that time though. I did get some good news though! When I first put in for next week off to go to Michigan, I was told I could have the time off, but I wouldn't be able to use my ETO to cover it, so I was going to have to go without pay. But this morning, as I was walking in, the manager was asking about my Grandma and asked if I wanted to use some of my ETO time afterall, because he could probably give me about 20 hours if I wanted it. I said that would be great with Christmas coming up and everything! So that made me very happy! The new store manager came a couple weeks ago, right before they started cutting hours. He's really strict, and not many people like him so far. He seems ok to me, just not very friendly. Our old boss was such a people person! He was crazy, funny, and loud. I miss him so much! He was my favorite boss ever! Maybe once the new boss starts getting to know us all better, he'll open up more. We're also doing very poorly on our G-sat. scores (Guest satisfaction), which isn't surprising considering they only have 4-5 people in the store to cover all the departments, run cash registers, and service guests! Come on people! But enough venting about that!

I think I covered pretty much everything. Overall, life is pretty good, a few things could be better, but I'm just counting my blessings! I'm excited about the holidays coming up! I can't wait to spend time with our families, and just enjoy it. I'm off to bed now. Goodnight.

Longing for my turn

I'm having one of those days where all I can think about is "When will it be MY turn?" I think a lot of it has to do with all the pregnant girls at my work. We just hired a lot of new people, and 3 of them are pregnant! All 3 are oopsie babies! One girl is 18, and she just graduated from HS. Another had sex with a guy on their first date and got knocked up, and the other has 2 other kids and didn't plan on having anymore. It doesn't help that I work at Babies R Us! All I see EVERY DAY is pregnant women, some happy, some not so much, and sooo many itty bitty precious babies. I just ache inside. It's so much different than my girls on JM that are pregnant, or just got their BFPs. Probably because I know how much each and every one of them has longed for the babies they are growing inside them. I just feel like I'm being left behind and I hate that there isn't much I can do about it. I'm not really in a position to be able to go to the Dr. for fertility treatments because my health insurance doesn't cover any of it. Also, if I was able to somehow go, I'm worried that because of my weight, I won't be able to find a Dr. that will be willing to help me conceive. I fear they will all just tell me to lose weight. I wish my body would just magically work. The first year of TTC, I wasn't really too serious about it. But now that it's been over a year, I'm really worried that it just won't happen naturally, which could mean it won't happen at all. I sometimes wonder to myself about whether or not I would be ok if we didn't have a child, and sometimes I think it might be ok, but then I think how much I would miss out on if I didn't ever become a Mother. I don't know that I would be ok with it. I don't really think Chris would either.

I also had a dream last night that I think is adding to my longing. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. Full term, ready to have the baby (a boy too! Yay!). I had this big round belly, and it was so cute! I was in the hospital. I guess they were going to induce me. For some reason though, I hadn't gone to the Dr. at all because I had no idea if my baby was in the right position to induce. I was telling the Dr. that I didn't know if I was ready to be induced because I could feel his little feet kicking toward the side of my belly, so I thought he was still floating around in there and was laying sideways. Anyways. They did an ultrasound, and he was in the right position. Then after that I was in labor and kept going to the bathroom because it felt like I had to pee really bad. About that time, I woke up and realized I really had to go pee and was thankful that I didn't actually go during my dream! lol But this dream just made my baby fever so much higher! If I close my eyes and think about it, I can feel his little feet kicking me. It felt so real. Like I could really feel it! It was crazy. I've also been thinking about what it must feel like to finally see that beautiful second line or the word pregnant. And I imagine it being the most special moment in the world. I want it so bad. I feel so incomplete without my baby. Please God, let it be my turn soon.

Update on things...

Wow! I really suck at keeping a blog! lol It's been like 2 months since my last post! I have got to do better! I've had a lot of stuff going on lately with family, work, etc., so that is my excuse! I figured it's time to update a little.

The good news is that my AFs have been coming every month again, which is great! BUT, this last month, I started spotting on CD21, got what I think is AF on CD25, and continued spotting until July 13th, which means I spotted and had AF for a total of 15 days! It was just very strange. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I stopped taking the Vitex on CD10 of last cycle, so maybe my body was just readjusting. I really hope that maybe I'll be normal again soon. I am also not charting this cycle. I tried to get back into it last month, but I was just not into it at all, so decided to stop when I started spotting. I just feel like it's useless for me to chart if I never see that I ovulate! It's very discouraging to chart month after month, and never get cross-hairs.

Chris upset me last night because we haven't BDed for 3 days, and I told him we needed to. He said, "We don't have to tonight!", because he wanted other things, if you know what I mean. It made me mad because I was having some pains on my right side, like I *might* have been O'ing, and I told him that. He either doesn't care, or just doesn't get that a woman is only fertile for a few days out of the month, and if you don't have sex during that time, then you CAN'T get pregnant! I yelled at him about it, and just let it go. Later, he decided he wanted to BD, so we did. I just don't get him sometimes! It's like, he says he wants a baby just as much as I do, but in order for that to happen, you have to have sex! Last month we only BDed maybe 5 times the whole month! That's not normal for us. Of course, we did have a lot of stress with everything going on with family members and other things, but we are usually intimate more than 5 times a month! I'm hoping this month we'll be able to BD more. He says it will happen when it's meant to, but I'm thinking, it ain't gonna happen if we don't BD when I'm fertile! UGH! It's very frustrating sometimes.

Other than TTC, we're just living life one day at a time right now. My Dad is recovering well from his surgery. Hopefully we'll get to go visit one day this next week. My brother is doing great as well. He actually is going to the Dr. today to find out if he can start physical therapy for walking again. Our niece's B-day was Sunday, and today is Chris' sis's B-day. I've been working full time hours at work even though I'm considered part time. More money, but less time to do things I need to get done! I really want to go somewhere even if it's just for a couple days. I've got the traveling bug. I've been looking on Google Maps at all the beaches. lol I really just want to be on a beach somewhere right now! Hopefully everything will calm down soon!

AF?!

So I'm pretty sure AF is here after 5 days of spotting. This has me a little worried. I'm not sure it's normal to spot for that long before having AF, plus I don't know if spotting affects your LP. I won't be getting my BFP for my b-day/anniversary/Mother's Day, but I guess that's not the end of the world. On the up side, I only had a 30 day cycle! That's awesome! I hope the Vitex continues to work and maybe help me ovulate. I wish I knew for sure if I ovulate or not. I think I'll take things easy again this cycle, then if I'm still not pregnant next month, I'll get back to temping. Maybe one of these days I'll actually get cross-hairs on my chart. I'm cramping pretty bad right now, so I think I might go take a long hot bath and relax for awhile. On to the next month, I guess...

Baby Shower...

I went to a baby shower tonight for my friend, Allison, from work. It was a lot of fun to just hang out with the girls I work with outside of work. We went to Fudruckers. She got sooo much cute stuff! I went in with 2 other girls on her mattress, and I got her a little jumper that had turtles on it. She's having a little boy and naming him Noah. I can't wait to get to meet him! All the girls know we are trying, so they were talking about how they can't wait until I get pregnant so they can throw me a huge baby shower! It was really sweet! I had a good time.

I'm a little confused on whats going on with my cycle. I've been spotting for the last 3 days, and having cramps. I don't know if I'm starting AF or what. I really hope I am if I'm not pregnant because that would mean I only had like a 29 day cycle, which would be awesome! At the same time though, I'm kinda hoping it's implant bleeding, although in reality, I know that it's most likely not that. It would just be sooo awesome to find out on Mother's Day, that I'm gonna be a mom. Not to mention that it would also be my b-day that day too! And the next day is our anniversary! So, it would be like a triple gift! How much more perfect could you get? I can dream! *sigh* So, we wait some more.................

TTC a little Porter

So, I decided to go ahead and make a TTC blog so that I'll be able to one day look back at everything we've gone through, and realize what a miracle our baby is. So lets play catch up for the past 10 months or so. We started TTC on June 28th, 2007. Yup, I remember the exact date! It was a very special day for me because I had wanted to TTC for soooo long! I had gone to the Dr. for my first ever pap test and pre-ttc visit before we started trying. I told my Dr. my issues with my AF being extra long and having spotting in the middle of cycles, so she decided to do some tests. She decided that I had PCOS and put me on a medicine for it called Metformin. She also set me up an appointment for an ultrasound to confirm that I had PCOS. Well, when I went for the ultrasound, I only had one cyst on my right ovary. Then I went back for a 6 week follow up ultrasound and the one cyst was completely gone. So, according to the ultrasounds, I don't have PCOS. Basically, it's undetermined if I have it or not. I was really excited to be taking the Metformin because my Dr. told me that it would help regulate me as far as AF and ovulation. WRONG! It did the total opposite. Before I started taking this med., I had AF every 32-34 days. Even though it wasn't the picture perfect AF with it being extra long and having spotting mid-cycle, at least I did still have an AF every month! After starting the Met., the first cycle lasted 49 days, then I didn't have another AF for almost FIVE months!!! I had several other Dr. appointments to do tests for endo. and other things, and mentioned this to my Dr. on numerous occasions, and she wasn't worried about it one bit! This was very frustrating for me. After almost five months of no AF, I pretty much had to beg her to give me Provera to bring on AF. I took that for 10 days, and then AF started. After that, I decided not to take the Metformin anymore because I am convinced that it is what caused my AF to go MIA for so long. I did some research and found out about Vitex. I've been taking it ever since I stopped the Met. and it is helping me have shorter AFs now. I'm down to about every 60 days or so now. I was only taking 2 pills a day until a little over a month ago. I decided to up to 4 pills and see if that will help regulate me more. After 69 days and about a week of taking 4 pills a day, I finally started a new cycle. I'm praying that this is the cycle! I was temping up until the start of this cycle, and I never once got cross-hairs to show a confirmed ovulation. I decided to stop temping this cycle because it was really just stressing me out more since I never knew if I O'ed anyways. I've had a few different possibilities for ovulation within the last week, so I'm really hoping and praying that I did O on one of those days. This might be the first month I actually have a real chance at a BFP after TTC for almost a year! I'm trying to be optimistic about it. Even if it's not THE cycle, I really hope that AF comes soon and I have a normal length cycle. I think that about covers everything we've gone through so far in our TTC journey.

Many of my friends on the forum I go to, JM, have gone on to get their BFPs and are actually due pretty soon now. There are also a few friend from my work that are expecting too. I'm actually excited for all my friends who will be having babies soon, even though I didn't really think I would be. I'm even helping plan a shower for my friend Allison at work. The baby shower is gonna be this Sunday. The way I feel about it is that if I can't experience all the joys of pregnancy, I can at least be there to go through it with them.
I just hope that when it is my turn to experience it, I have some good friends to go through it with me too.


Sometimes I do get depressed about our situation. I worry that maybe God doesn't want me to be a Mother. I wonder if I've done something wrong and he doesn't think I am good enough to become a Mom. But then I think about it, and I just can't believe that is true. I want to be a Mother more than anything in this world. I feel like Jennifer Garner on Juno when she said she was just meant to be a mom. I feel like that is my purpose in life. I even think about what we will do if I am never able to get pregnant. We wouldn't be able to afford adoption. So what would we do? We'd just have to deal with the reality of not having a child. What other choice would we have? It's crazy how I was so convinced that Chris didn't want to have kids, because for sooooo long, I couldn't even mention the word baby or he would freak. Now, I think he might even be more excited than I am about TTC. I mean, he still doesn't talk about it alot, but he's definitely on board as far as BDing when we need to. Which has been exhausting by the way, because I have no idea if I even O'ed, so we just have to do it as much as possible until AF shows every cycle. Anyways. I think everyone in both my family and his knows we are trying now. I finally got brave enough to just flat out tell his Dad a couple weeks ago. He is very excited about it, and can't wait to become a Grandpa! I guess he's just getting older, so he realizes that he's not gonna be around forever and wants to enjoy some grandkids before he's gone. I think this has a lot to do with why Chris is so much more on board with TTC now. He's always had this thing about having to have approval from his Dad. And now that he knows he approves, I guess he's more comfortable. The whole TTC process has brought Chris and I so much closer. When a man talks about their children, even when they haven't even made them yet, it just makes you fall in love with them all over again. I can't wait to see him with our children. He's gonna be such a good daddy!

Well, this turned into a really long first blog, but it was good to just get it out there. I'm ready for bed, so I better end this now, but I'm sure there will be many more experiences to come....