Longing for my turn

I'm having one of those days where all I can think about is "When will it be MY turn?" I think a lot of it has to do with all the pregnant girls at my work. We just hired a lot of new people, and 3 of them are pregnant! All 3 are oopsie babies! One girl is 18, and she just graduated from HS. Another had sex with a guy on their first date and got knocked up, and the other has 2 other kids and didn't plan on having anymore. It doesn't help that I work at Babies R Us! All I see EVERY DAY is pregnant women, some happy, some not so much, and sooo many itty bitty precious babies. I just ache inside. It's so much different than my girls on JM that are pregnant, or just got their BFPs. Probably because I know how much each and every one of them has longed for the babies they are growing inside them. I just feel like I'm being left behind and I hate that there isn't much I can do about it. I'm not really in a position to be able to go to the Dr. for fertility treatments because my health insurance doesn't cover any of it. Also, if I was able to somehow go, I'm worried that because of my weight, I won't be able to find a Dr. that will be willing to help me conceive. I fear they will all just tell me to lose weight. I wish my body would just magically work. The first year of TTC, I wasn't really too serious about it. But now that it's been over a year, I'm really worried that it just won't happen naturally, which could mean it won't happen at all. I sometimes wonder to myself about whether or not I would be ok if we didn't have a child, and sometimes I think it might be ok, but then I think how much I would miss out on if I didn't ever become a Mother. I don't know that I would be ok with it. I don't really think Chris would either.

I also had a dream last night that I think is adding to my longing. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. Full term, ready to have the baby (a boy too! Yay!). I had this big round belly, and it was so cute! I was in the hospital. I guess they were going to induce me. For some reason though, I hadn't gone to the Dr. at all because I had no idea if my baby was in the right position to induce. I was telling the Dr. that I didn't know if I was ready to be induced because I could feel his little feet kicking toward the side of my belly, so I thought he was still floating around in there and was laying sideways. Anyways. They did an ultrasound, and he was in the right position. Then after that I was in labor and kept going to the bathroom because it felt like I had to pee really bad. About that time, I woke up and realized I really had to go pee and was thankful that I didn't actually go during my dream! lol But this dream just made my baby fever so much higher! If I close my eyes and think about it, I can feel his little feet kicking me. It felt so real. Like I could really feel it! It was crazy. I've also been thinking about what it must feel like to finally see that beautiful second line or the word pregnant. And I imagine it being the most special moment in the world. I want it so bad. I feel so incomplete without my baby. Please God, let it be my turn soon.