Longing for my turn

I'm having one of those days where all I can think about is "When will it be MY turn?" I think a lot of it has to do with all the pregnant girls at my work. We just hired a lot of new people, and 3 of them are pregnant! All 3 are oopsie babies! One girl is 18, and she just graduated from HS. Another had sex with a guy on their first date and got knocked up, and the other has 2 other kids and didn't plan on having anymore. It doesn't help that I work at Babies R Us! All I see EVERY DAY is pregnant women, some happy, some not so much, and sooo many itty bitty precious babies. I just ache inside. It's so much different than my girls on JM that are pregnant, or just got their BFPs. Probably because I know how much each and every one of them has longed for the babies they are growing inside them. I just feel like I'm being left behind and I hate that there isn't much I can do about it. I'm not really in a position to be able to go to the Dr. for fertility treatments because my health insurance doesn't cover any of it. Also, if I was able to somehow go, I'm worried that because of my weight, I won't be able to find a Dr. that will be willing to help me conceive. I fear they will all just tell me to lose weight. I wish my body would just magically work. The first year of TTC, I wasn't really too serious about it. But now that it's been over a year, I'm really worried that it just won't happen naturally, which could mean it won't happen at all. I sometimes wonder to myself about whether or not I would be ok if we didn't have a child, and sometimes I think it might be ok, but then I think how much I would miss out on if I didn't ever become a Mother. I don't know that I would be ok with it. I don't really think Chris would either.

I also had a dream last night that I think is adding to my longing. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. Full term, ready to have the baby (a boy too! Yay!). I had this big round belly, and it was so cute! I was in the hospital. I guess they were going to induce me. For some reason though, I hadn't gone to the Dr. at all because I had no idea if my baby was in the right position to induce. I was telling the Dr. that I didn't know if I was ready to be induced because I could feel his little feet kicking toward the side of my belly, so I thought he was still floating around in there and was laying sideways. Anyways. They did an ultrasound, and he was in the right position. Then after that I was in labor and kept going to the bathroom because it felt like I had to pee really bad. About that time, I woke up and realized I really had to go pee and was thankful that I didn't actually go during my dream! lol But this dream just made my baby fever so much higher! If I close my eyes and think about it, I can feel his little feet kicking me. It felt so real. Like I could really feel it! It was crazy. I've also been thinking about what it must feel like to finally see that beautiful second line or the word pregnant. And I imagine it being the most special moment in the world. I want it so bad. I feel so incomplete without my baby. Please God, let it be my turn soon.

Update on things...

Wow! I really suck at keeping a blog! lol It's been like 2 months since my last post! I have got to do better! I've had a lot of stuff going on lately with family, work, etc., so that is my excuse! I figured it's time to update a little.

The good news is that my AFs have been coming every month again, which is great! BUT, this last month, I started spotting on CD21, got what I think is AF on CD25, and continued spotting until July 13th, which means I spotted and had AF for a total of 15 days! It was just very strange. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I stopped taking the Vitex on CD10 of last cycle, so maybe my body was just readjusting. I really hope that maybe I'll be normal again soon. I am also not charting this cycle. I tried to get back into it last month, but I was just not into it at all, so decided to stop when I started spotting. I just feel like it's useless for me to chart if I never see that I ovulate! It's very discouraging to chart month after month, and never get cross-hairs.

Chris upset me last night because we haven't BDed for 3 days, and I told him we needed to. He said, "We don't have to tonight!", because he wanted other things, if you know what I mean. It made me mad because I was having some pains on my right side, like I *might* have been O'ing, and I told him that. He either doesn't care, or just doesn't get that a woman is only fertile for a few days out of the month, and if you don't have sex during that time, then you CAN'T get pregnant! I yelled at him about it, and just let it go. Later, he decided he wanted to BD, so we did. I just don't get him sometimes! It's like, he says he wants a baby just as much as I do, but in order for that to happen, you have to have sex! Last month we only BDed maybe 5 times the whole month! That's not normal for us. Of course, we did have a lot of stress with everything going on with family members and other things, but we are usually intimate more than 5 times a month! I'm hoping this month we'll be able to BD more. He says it will happen when it's meant to, but I'm thinking, it ain't gonna happen if we don't BD when I'm fertile! UGH! It's very frustrating sometimes.

Other than TTC, we're just living life one day at a time right now. My Dad is recovering well from his surgery. Hopefully we'll get to go visit one day this next week. My brother is doing great as well. He actually is going to the Dr. today to find out if he can start physical therapy for walking again. Our niece's B-day was Sunday, and today is Chris' sis's B-day. I've been working full time hours at work even though I'm considered part time. More money, but less time to do things I need to get done! I really want to go somewhere even if it's just for a couple days. I've got the traveling bug. I've been looking on Google Maps at all the beaches. lol I really just want to be on a beach somewhere right now! Hopefully everything will calm down soon!